My 30th Year...

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Have I mentioned recently that today (March 15th) is my birthday? 

And not just any birthday, but the big 3-0! 

I keep having people ask me if I'm freaking out yet. Freaking out? Why would I freak out? 
 

Haven't you seen what my past year has been like?
 

For those of you who are new readers, here's the highlights (or lowlights): 

• I got engaged after waiting for 10+ years for him to ask

• I planned a DIY wedding for 200 people in 6 months

• September 8th, I got married to my best friend 15 years from the day we met

• My husband and I got to have an amazing 10 day honeymoon at Yosemite National Park

•  October 7th, my husband passed away from complications of pancreatic cancer

• Since losing my husband I have visited : Seattle, WA (4 times), Neah Bay, WA, Eugene, OR & the beautiful Oregon Coast

 So here's what I have to say about turning 30.

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BRING IT ON!!! 
 

Getting older doesn't hurt. It doesn't change anything. It's just a number. I'm still me. I still am living my life, picking up the pieces and putting myself back together. I'm learning new things about myself ALL THE TIME! 

Getting older has never really scared me (yeah, we're not talking about the two week freak out before I turned 25), but the way I see it, if you live your life how you want to live it and appreciate every moment you have on this earth, both the good and the bad, then you will have lived a full life. 

That, my friends, if my goal in life. 

To live it. 

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The Worst Day Of My Life

Can you look back and pinpoint the worst day of your life? 

February 7, 2011 was the worst day of my life. 

It was the day that Matthew and I sat in a Doctor's office and calmly had the nice young doctor rip to shreds every dream I've ever had. It was the day that Matthew looked at me and jokingly said, "I'd always hoped you'd live longer then me." through the tears both of us were shedding. It was the day that we had to break the heart wrenching news to our entire family, in person.

It was the day that cancer became the most hated word in my vocabulary.

I've had a lot of bad/hard days and moments since. Matthew got so sick sometimes during treatment and near the end he was in a lot of pain that was hard to get under control. I had to make the hard decisions when it came to deciding to let him go. Being handed the flag for his military honors on the day of his celebration of life. 

I might not always show it, but I miss him every day. 

  Two years later, I can still say that February 7th, 2011 was the worst day of my life. 

 That day was the prediction of this time that I'm living now, without my best friend.

Lucky 2013, Right?

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Happy New Year! 

I don't know about the rest of you, but I am indeed ready for a new year full of new beginnings and new adventures. 

I refuse to believe that 2012 was a bad year. There were some bad things that happened, such as my Dad having to spend most of the beginning of the year in the hospital and my husband, Matthew, losing his battle with cancer in October. 

But some amazing things happened this year... 

 I finally got to marry my best friend. He made me wait 11 years, but it was worth the wait. Our day was perfect and so full of memories that I will cherish for the rest of my life. 

 Matthew and I were lucky enough to be able to go on the most amazing honeymoon trip to Yosemite National Park. It was somewhere that he had always wanted to go and it really was the best trip ever! I love knowing that we got to take one last great adventure together.

 Matthew's death has marked the beginning of a new journey in my life. I'm following my heart, wherever it happens to take me. This journey of the heart has led me to be right where I need to be to be able to partake in some wonderful opportunities and new experiences. It has pushed me outside my comfort zone a bit but the lessons that I've been learning are invaluable enough to know that I'm on the right path. 

2012 has truly been a bittersweet year.

But now it's over... 

I think 2013 is going to be a good year. 

I decided that I want to go back to school, so I'm in the process of making that happen. If it goes the way that I'm hoping/working on, then that will mean a big move... to another state. 

In the mean time, I'm spending time with family and friends, I'm enjoying the beautiful things that life has to offer, and most importantly, I'm living. 

 I hope that 2013 is a good year for all of us!

One Month Ago

One month ago today I said good bye to my best friend. I let go of the hope of a cure for his horrible disease, and walked into the realization that my life would never be the same. 

It's crazy to think of what has happened in the last month. 

To be honest, it doesn't feel like a month. It feels like a year. So much has happened in the past month, and I've kept myself so busy. 

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I went back to work, which was a surprisingly wonderful distraction. I work in retail, and to a lot of customers I am just the nice lady who brings them out shoes. They don't know that I'm a widow, that I'm dealing with a great loss or that there is a reason why I might seem a little sad or distracted. When I am at work, I know how to act like a professional. 

I threw myself into helping others. Two of my good friends are getting married next month (yikes!) and being that I have some crafty skills, not to mention just planned a wedding recently, I offered to help them out. It's been a nice distraction, not to mention a fun way to spend time with two of my favorite people. 

  And lastly, I've been traveling! While Matthew was sick, I worked a very part time schedule, but starting the first week of November, I'll be getting more hours. But at the end of October, I had some long stretches in between days that I was scheduled so I tried to take advantage before the holidays and crazy Christmas schedules start. I already posted here about my spontaneous Seattle adventure, but I was only home again for two full days before I left again. 

Best Road Trip Companion Ever!!!

Luna and I drove up to Neah Bay, WA to visit my Coast Guard friends that are stationed there for Halloween, which spending Halloween with them used to be a tradition for me. The day I drove up, a storm came through so it was quite the wild ride, especially since I had never made it before. I was so relieved when we finally made it to their house. It rained the entire time I was there! I didn't mind the rain at all. It meant that we stayed in for the most part, watching movies, eating homemade chex mix and talking.

Two days later when I left, I took a different route then the one I took to get there and was rewarded with good weather, and lots of picture taking opportunities, as we headed east toward the ferry that would take Luna and I to Seattle. 

I'd love to live in a house like that!

Those mountains peeking out through the clouds is Canada

a beautiful fall pond

driving along WA-113

Lake Crescent, Olympic National Forest, Washington

Luna and I stayed with Dan in Seattle a few nights before driving home. Unlike my last trip to Seattle, this trip was a little more low key. Dan and I took Luna to a few different parks and let her get her energy out. 

Discovery Park, Seattle, WA

Discovery Park, Seattle, WA

Discovery Park, Seattle, WA

And, as promised, I took Dan lamp shopping. 

...which resulted in a hilarious picture!

 
Now I'm back home, and back to work. I'm trying to get things organized from the chaos of the last two months, and I'm even starting to craft again! It's so crazy to think that it's only been a month when it feels like it's been so much longer then that. 

I am so lucky to have family and friends that have shown me so much love and support over the past month. They have put up with me, listened to me, let me be or give me hugs, made me laugh or let me cry, fed me, and let me know that I'm always welcome to crash on their couch/spare bed. It's a bit humbling to know how many people care. 

One month down, the rest of my life to go!

Room With A View...

I know that everybody is expecting a post with all the details from the wedding, as well as other pictures that I've promised, but apparently life has other plans. 

I do have pictures though! 

This is a little taste of what I've been up to starting the wee hours of the morning last Thursday...

A digital frame that shows off our honeymoon pictures.

 My wonderful husband decided that he had so much fun on our vacation that he decided that he needed to spend another one in the hospital. (Totally sarcasm, btw.) 

Because of complications with his cancer, he's stuck in the hospital until certain things are able to get under control. The frustrating part is that it takes time to assess how medications are doing and if they are working or not, so we don't have a clear idea of when he might be able to come home. The other annoying part is that while I'm there I have zero internet access, because they don't have wifi and I don't own a smartphone. 

Which means updates to this blog are on hold until he finally gets to come home. 

In the mean time, I did point out that if he has to be stuck in the hospital, at least he's stuck in one with an amazing view...

View from his hospital room.

 

Healing thoughts, well wishes and prayers are currently being accepted. 

Thanks for understanding & hopefully I'll return soon. 

 

Consider This My Pre-Wedding Freak Out...

Warning: This is a seriously emotional post that I almost deleted...

While trying to plan out our wedding, I came across this post that had excerpts from literature that could be used as wedding readings. Since I love books, and am wanting something other than scripture read at our wedding, I was interested. 

I found the following excerpt from The Amber Spyglass by Phillip Pullman. 

  “I will love you forever; whatever happens. Till I die and after I die, and when I find my way out of the land of the dead, I’ll drift about forever, all my atoms, till I find you again… I’ll be looking for you, every moment, every single moment. And when we do find each other again, we’ll cling together so tight that nothing and no one’ll ever tear us apart. Every atom of me and every atom of you… We’ll live in birds and flowers and dragonflies and pine trees and in clouds and in those little specks of light you see floating in sunbeams… And when they use our atoms to make new lives, they won’t just be able to take one, they’ll have to take two, one of you and one of me, we’ll be joined so tight…”

I absolutely love this excerpt! (Actually I like the whole Dark Materials series.) I feel like this is a beautiful speech from one person to another, trying to explain in a beautiful way, just how strong their love is. 

I'm just not sure if I can bring myself to use it. 

I'm not comfortable using words like death or dying in our wedding. It's even difficult to use the phrases forever, or the rest of our life, or until death do us part, mainly because I don't really know how long our forever is going to be.

My future husband is diagnosed with a terminal illness. He has gone through treatment like a champ, and he's done so much better than the doctors and nurses (and everyone really) thought he would. He is young and strong and healthy (ya know, other than the cancer) but even with how well he's done, we still never know. 

Should I mention that not knowing sucks! 

We don't know how much time he has left on this earth. We don't know if he'll survive a year or twenty. We don't know if he's going to be healthy enough to make plans too far in the future. We don't know if we'll be able to have the things that we've always talked about: a house and kids. We don't even know if he'll ever get better enough to go into remission...

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What I do know is that I feel so blessed to have him in my life. I had no idea all those years ago that the blonde haired boy with the beautiful blue eyes that took a seat behind me the first day of 3rd period algebra would one day be my husband. (Okay, so maybe not knowing some things turns out alright.)

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 It's so crazy for me to think about how different I thought my life would be, especially in planning my wedding and getting ready to enter a new chapter of my life. But the funny part of the whole thing is that there are some things that have never changed. I get to marry my best friend and will spend the rest of his life trying to make him happy. 

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Beware The Ides Of March

It probably should be a little more like, "Beware of babies born on the Ides of March."

So yeah, today is my birthday...

and I don't even have anything cool planned to show for it. 

But the past three weeks have been CRAZY!!!  My Dad was in the hospital for over two weeks, but he's out now and being a cranky old man at home (but only I get to say that because I'm his daughter.) I also have a cousin that went into the hospital and ended up in the ICU, but he's also on the mend. 

Than when all that hoopla started to settle down a little bit, it was time to leave on our vacation that ABF and I had been planning since Christmas. 

We headed over to the Oregon Coast, and the weather was absolutely gorgeous the whole time we were there! I'm a really bad blogger and didn't get hardly any pictures, which I'm kinda upset about now, but didn't really care about at the time. The weather was gorgeous, we went out onto the beach every day, I found the most amazing bookstore (Robert's Books on Hwy 101 in Lincoln City, seriously, you won't be sorry you went), got the other thing ABF and I always go to the beach for - fresh saltwater taffy... 

oh yeah, and I got engaged!!! 

ABF and I went out onto the beach to watch the sunset. There was a really strong wind, and we had lots of extra layers on, but it was so cold out there. We set out a blanket on the beach next to a giant piece of driftwood so that it would break the wind a little bit. I can't even remember what we were talking about, but he pulled out a beautiful stained wood box that he had stained himself and set it on my leg. 

Inside was a beautiful claddagh ring that I had seen before on Etsy. 

sorry for the not so great pic, but it's beautiful, I promise!

And after ten and a half years of happy togetherness, he finally asked me to marry him! 

So now we're trying to figure out how to go about this whole "tying the knot" business, but no plans have been made yet, although expect plenty of wedding crafting to come. 

So now you have an explanation for my bloggy absence, but sometimes you just have to embrace this crazy, beautiful life and enjoy the ride!

Let The Randomness Continue!!!

The other Bethany over at Sweet Bee Buzzings decided to share some randomness with her readers and I decided to continue the randomness and share some of my randomness with all of you!

Eleven random facts about myself: 

1. I love Star Trek. ABF discovered that all the seasons of Next Generation are on Netflix and started watching them from the beginning, and I found myself watching them too. I'm officially hooked!

2. I usually find myself attracted to famous people (movie/tv stars, musicians, athletes) with dark hair and dark eyes. I find this amusing since ABF has blonde hair and blue eyes.

3. I don't like it when people shorten my name. My name is Bethany, not Beth, so unless you're family (or a select few, you know who you are), please call me Bethany.

4. The Oregon coast is my favorite place in the world. When I die, I want to be cremated and have my ashes spread there. 
 

my happy place

5. Win or lose, I'm a Portland Trailblazer fan! I might have wavered a little during the "jailblazer" era, but I still love my team, and the game, especially if it's being played in the Rose Garden (which happens to be my second favorite place in the world.)

6. I mainly started my Twitter account because my brother started telling me about all the Blazer players that I could follow. (Yes, it has been mentioned that I'm a little obsessed!)

7. My favorite movie is Little Women. And it makes me cry EVERY SINGLE TIME I watch it.

8. I don't like the taste of beer. Before ABF got sick and not able to drink alcohol, he was a beer connoisseur. He even made his own homebrews, and he made me try every single one, but I've never found a beer that I actually like.

9. I don't tan. I have super fair skin, and I burn very easily, so sunscreen and aloe are my best friends during the summer. Technically, I do tan, but nobody can ever seem to be able to tell when I do have a tan, because I'm still super pale.

10. I own over 75 pairs of shoes. Last year when we moved, I donated about 15 pairs to my cousins garage sale, but I still have 2 large totes and a large laundry basket full. (I guess that's what I get for being a shoe salesperson.)

11. I think I might be the only person in the world that is not a fan of Starbucks coffee. I will drink it in a caffeine-weak moment, but to me it tastes too syrup-y.

These are the questions posed by (the other) Bethany and my answers: 

 1. What is the first craft you remember making? The first craft I remember making is when my grandmother taught me how to cross-stitch when I was five.

2. What is your favorite thing to eat for breakfast? Does coffee count? I actually really like bagels and cream cheese for breakfast.

3. Would you rather spend a day with an insightful kid or a wise old person? I'm a lover of history and I feel like older people have so many fascinating stories to tell.

4. Would you/have you ever ridden a motorcycle? Given the amount of people that I know that ride, I've never ridden on a motorcycle. I would ride one, but the only person that I'd trust to ride with would be my Dad.

5. Cats or dogs? Do I really have to choose? They're both so cute!

6. What's a fashion look you'd love to try but don't think you could pull off? over the knee boots - I'm a petite person and any time I've tried on a pair they look like they're trying to swallow my leg

7. Do you bite your nails? only if I break one and don't have fingernail clippers handy

8. Quilts or afghans? Why? Ugh, this is a really tough one because both can be so beautiful. Probably afghans, but mainly because I come from a family of knitters and crocheters, so that's what I'm used to having around.

9. If you could have dinner with a celebrity (movie star, politician, etc.) who would it be? Colin Morgan from Merlin, although between his good looks and adorable Irish accent I'd be drooling more than I'd eat!

I love this guy!

 
10. What was your favorite class in high school? This is a tough question, I really enjoyed choir while I was in school, but I had some really amazing literature classes that I loved! (Man, I sound like such a geek!)

11. If you could splurge on one thing right now, what would it be? The rational side of me would say a new camera (because I seriously need one!) but I keep having dreams about these Jessica Simpson pink suede high heels that I'm having trouble ignoring :)

I dream about these...

Let the randomness continue: 

 I'm not going to "tag" 11 people, like you're supposed to, but if you want to play along, write a post with 11 random facts about yourself, answer the 11 questions below and write 11 new questions for others to answer and post it all on your blog. Let me know if you play along and I'll come check out your post.

Here's my 11 questions: 

1. What is your most treasured possession?

2. Coffee or tea?

3. If you could be an extra on any TV show, what show would it be?

4. what is your favorite way to spend your weekend?

5. If you could only eat one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be?

6. what did you want to be when you "grew-up" ?

7. what is your favorite childhood memory?

8. If you could live anywhere in the world for one year, where would you live?

9. Traditional books or e-readers? why?

10. Favorite flower ?

11. Favorite vacation you've ever been on?

Now I'm off to do some crafting, hopefully with better results than my last few endeavors!