Consider This My Pre-Wedding Freak Out...

Warning: This is a seriously emotional post that I almost deleted...

While trying to plan out our wedding, I came across this post that had excerpts from literature that could be used as wedding readings. Since I love books, and am wanting something other than scripture read at our wedding, I was interested. 

I found the following excerpt from The Amber Spyglass by Phillip Pullman. 

  “I will love you forever; whatever happens. Till I die and after I die, and when I find my way out of the land of the dead, I’ll drift about forever, all my atoms, till I find you again… I’ll be looking for you, every moment, every single moment. And when we do find each other again, we’ll cling together so tight that nothing and no one’ll ever tear us apart. Every atom of me and every atom of you… We’ll live in birds and flowers and dragonflies and pine trees and in clouds and in those little specks of light you see floating in sunbeams… And when they use our atoms to make new lives, they won’t just be able to take one, they’ll have to take two, one of you and one of me, we’ll be joined so tight…”

I absolutely love this excerpt! (Actually I like the whole Dark Materials series.) I feel like this is a beautiful speech from one person to another, trying to explain in a beautiful way, just how strong their love is. 

I'm just not sure if I can bring myself to use it. 

I'm not comfortable using words like death or dying in our wedding. It's even difficult to use the phrases forever, or the rest of our life, or until death do us part, mainly because I don't really know how long our forever is going to be.

My future husband is diagnosed with a terminal illness. He has gone through treatment like a champ, and he's done so much better than the doctors and nurses (and everyone really) thought he would. He is young and strong and healthy (ya know, other than the cancer) but even with how well he's done, we still never know. 

Should I mention that not knowing sucks! 

We don't know how much time he has left on this earth. We don't know if he'll survive a year or twenty. We don't know if he's going to be healthy enough to make plans too far in the future. We don't know if we'll be able to have the things that we've always talked about: a house and kids. We don't even know if he'll ever get better enough to go into remission...

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What I do know is that I feel so blessed to have him in my life. I had no idea all those years ago that the blonde haired boy with the beautiful blue eyes that took a seat behind me the first day of 3rd period algebra would one day be my husband. (Okay, so maybe not knowing some things turns out alright.)

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 It's so crazy for me to think about how different I thought my life would be, especially in planning my wedding and getting ready to enter a new chapter of my life. But the funny part of the whole thing is that there are some things that have never changed. I get to marry my best friend and will spend the rest of his life trying to make him happy. 

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