Today Amazing Boyfriend wanted to go to Borders. I was really happy to hear this because it's pretty rare that he wants to venture out of the house these days. He is self conscious because his stomach is really swollen because of the cancer, and he has trouble standing for too long because his back hurts from all the extra weight that he's carrying in his abdomen.
He didn't even make it out of the house.
He went through his morning regiment of taking his medicines, eating breakfast, etc. But a little while after eating he started getting nauseous. Then his stomach started to hurt and the only position that he was comfortable in was reclining. After several attempts of getting up, when he thought he was feeling better, only to sit back down to actually feel better, he decided that he wasn't going anywhere.
It's days like today that make me wonder...
I hate admitting it, but it's true.
The doctors have been very clear that ABF's prognoses is pretty bad. But I still have the hardest time accepting that. He's only 28 years old! How can that be it?
He's not giving up, and neither am I!
When we have days like today, it emotionally exhausts me. I hate seeing him in pain. I hate knowing that there's nothing that I can do about it. I hate that I can't make it all go away. I hate it that I can't break down and cry because I NEED to be strong, because all he wants to break down and cry.
What I need to remember is...
I didn't realize how much of a fighter ABF and I both are until he was diagnosed with cancer. Neither of us are willing to give up. Both of us are totally scared, but we're standing together, supporting each other, because that's what you do when you love someone so much. You don't accept the odds. You hope for the best and refuse to go down without a fight.
So, today really sucked... but the day is almost over and tomorrow is a new day, full of possibilities.